Blog
Can Sex Therapy Help Me?
What is Sex Therapy?
Sex therapy is a specialized type of psychotherapy designed to assist individuals, couples, and/or families who are facing sexual difficulties. Some of the issues that can be addressed through sex therapy include issues with sexual desire or desire discrepancies, pain during intercourse, orgasm difficulties, erection difficulties, issues with penetration, performance anxiety or other worries about sexual activity, past sexual abuse/unwanted sexual experiences, gender and sexual identity concerns, concerns about sex and disability/changes in health status, concerns about sex and aging, concerns or disagreements about pornography use and/or masturbation, out of control sexual behaviors, and distress about sexual preferences. It is also common for issues with sex/sexuality to co-occur with other mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder, etc., as well as with other relational concerns such as infidelity, increased conflict, and communication difficulties.
What happens in Sex Therapy?
Sex therapy is like any other type of therapy. Your therapist will focus on your needs and desires, will assess what is contributing to your sexual concerns, and will design a treatment plan that is tailored to you. While sex therapy will involve talking about variety of topics related to sex and sexuality, it may also involve talking about your previous experiences, your current relationships, current medical or mental health concerns, and anything else that may impact your sexual functioning. Sex therapy may also explore what you have learned about sex and how your beliefs and values impact your sexual functioning.
It is completely normal to feel anxious, awkward, or embarrassed when starting sex therapy services as many people struggle to talk about sex with anyone, much less a stranger! As with any type of therapy, the most important person in therapy is you. This means therapy will progress at a pace that is comfortable for you and you get to decide what you are willing to talk about and when you are willing to talk about it. How long you are in therapy is completely up to you. It also depends on the issue being addressed and what is contributing to that issue.
Sexual Expectations: This is supposed to be easy, right?
What makes good sex?
Is it the right positions, a hot partner, and hours of uninterrupted time? Or is it complete and utter confidence in oneself, one’s body, and our innate sexual prowess? Or maybe it’s a partner who knows exactly what we want, when we want it, and who we never feel uncomfortable with?
Unfortunately, none of that is what makes good sex.
As much as we are exposed to depictions of so-called good sex on TV, online, via social media, or through porn, the reality is, the vast majority of the sex we view is completely unrealistic. Here’s what’s typically involved in unrealistic sex:
Two people, engaging in sexual activity, they have both apparently consented to, that they both appear to totally enjoy, all while being so in sync or attuned to one another that no one has to ask for or communicate anything other than some well-timed and still sexy moans, groans, or other noises of appreciation. Also, their bodies do whatever it is their owners want them to do. Desire, arousal, lubrication, erection, penetration, and orgasm all occur reliably and at the exact right moments. No one interrupts them, their phones are on silent, the kids are out of the house, the dog is sleeping in another room, and no one rings the doorbell. Typically, they appear entirely focused on one another, no one is experiencing thoughts of the chores that still need to be done, the pain in their back, or the fact that they would really prefer a different position but their partner won’t agree to that. There’s never any discrepancy in desire, no one is ever uncomfortable with the others’ turn ons because they are so completely aligned, and there’s never any unseemly smells, sounds, or tastes.
It’s completely wonderful. Fantastic. Amazing. Mind-blowing. Perfect. It’s also completely unrealistic.
What does realistic sex look like?
You and your partner have 30 minutes before the kids get home. You’ve temporarily locked the dog out of the bedroom but now he’s barking at the cat. Neither of you showered today. You’re starting to undress but you’re also thinking about the chore list for this weekend and the work meeting you have first thing tomorrow morning. Then you catch sight of yourself in the mirror and suddenly feel insecure about how your stomach looks. You want to feel turned on and present in the moment but now you’re worried about why the dog is still barking at the cat. You love your partner but you’re also a little pissed at them too because why isn’t the barking bother them? Why aren’t they thinking about the chores? Do they notice the weight you’ve put on? Then you have to ask your spouse to take their elbow out of your ribs. Pretty soon, you both give up, put your clothes back on, and go rescue the cat from the dog. If you’re lucky, you’re part of a couple that has a sense of humor about these things and are able to laugh it off and agree to try again tomorrow. If you’re unlucky, one or both of you end up with hurt feelings, a fight ensues, and sex is off the table for the next week. There was maybe even some blame and defensiveness thrown around.
Okay, so that could seem like a bad example as the two people involved in it didn’t actually get to the sex part. Here’s another for anyone feeling cheated:
You and your partner had date night at your favorite restaurant. You both ate too much so lay around watching tv after you get home. Eventually one of you says “Want to go the bedroom?” The other thinks about it for a moment and says “Sure.” You go to the bedroom. Sex ensues except this version of sex looks a little different than the perfect sex described earlier. One person’s hair gets caught on a button on their shirt. Hopefully you can both laugh about this. Kissing is off the table because your partner had salmon for dinner and you hate fish. Your partner agrees to go brush their teeth so kissing can be back on the table. There’s active negotiation about sex acts. You agree to get on top until your knees start to hurt then you ask to switch. Then the dog barks and you both yell at him to “SHUT UP!” before continuing. Your partner finishes before you so you ask them to help you out with a sex toy until you orgasm. You cuddle for a while after sex. The night was a success!
Here's the thing, contrary to what we might like to believe, sex isn’t always easy, clean, or amazing. In fact, what most people would admit to picturing when asked what they think of when the word sex is said is a sanitized version of sexual intercourse. Notice I said admit to, the things they don’t admit to are far more interesting. Also, notice I said sexual intercourse, sex can involve a lot more than penis in vagina intercourse. Furthermore, for quite a few people, sex is no longer easy or amazing and for some of those folks it never has been. Side bar: sex has never been clean. By sheer fact of it being a biological process, clean is out of the question. Anyways, then, because of whatever sexual expectations one holds, when sex isn’t amazing and easy we tend to feel poorly about ourselves or like we’re a failure or start to believe we have sex problems. This is before we factor in how our partner reacts. Maybe they’re understanding and compassionate or maybe they’re not. Maybe they have complicated sexual expectations as well and then things get really unpleasant.
In reality, sex is an incredibly complex process that most, if not all, of us don’t fully understand or appreciate and we aren’t simply talking about the biological part of sex. We’re talking about how your emotions, socialization, beliefs, behaviors, preferences, and thoughts about sex interact with the biology of sex. Also, we’re talking about how all that information about you interacts with all your partners information about sex and how all of that interacts to form the sex you have with that particular partner. Sound complicated yet?
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to take some time to explore some of the various factors that influence sex so you can start to better understand what’s happening within yourself during sex. I’m also going to pose some questions for you to consider to help you learn more about your sexual self. Once you better understand your sexual self, you’ll be in a much better place to consider how to start making sex a more enjoyable experience for yourself.
You have good sex you say? Awesome! Congratulations! That’s fabulous and I’m happy to hear it. Want to make your good sex even better? You could still benefit from exploring and learning more about your sexual self.
Let's Get Physical: Sex & the Body
I’m going to say something obvious: sex doesn’t just happen between people, it happens between bodies. Because sex happens between bodies, how you interact with your body matters… a lot. It probably matters far more than we recognize or want it to. Here’s what I mean:
How many times have you
Ignored your bodies’ hunger or thirst cues?
Written off that pain in your back or knee?
Berated yourself in the mirror for being too _____ (fill in insult here)?
Refused to engage in an activity or event that you were worried your body either couldn’t do or would look ridiculous doing?
Have you ever wondered how any of those activities influence the sex you’re having?
Typically, when we think about sex and our bodies we tend to think about our bodies during sex, we don’t usually think about how what our bodies do outside of the bedroom can influence our performance in the bedroom.
Here’s more:
Do you know when something has changed with your body or is no longer working well?
How do you react to bodily pains? Do you slow down, ice or heat, rest and heal? Or do you pop some advil and keep pushing?
What about your blood pressure, cholesterol, and A1C?
Do you know how different foods, medications, or beverages impact your body?
What about those? Do you know how those impact the sex you have? What about the sex you don’t have?
All of us, at some point, will decline sex due to how our bodies feel- we ate too much, our back hurts, we’re sick, etc. Furthermore, all of us, at some point, will change the kind of sex we have due to how our bodies feel- that position hurts, we need to start using lube, that outfit doesn’t fit anymore, so on and so forth. So, the question I’m asking you isn’t “does your body impact the sex you’re having?” it’s “how does your body impact the sex you’re having?” and “how do you respond to the way your body impacts the sex you’re having?”
The fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter what body you’re in; how you relate to, take care of, understand, and feel towards your body is going to influence the sex you- and your partner- have. I’m going to say that again because it’s so important. How you interact with and treat your body doesn’t just impact you. It also impacts your partner. This isn’t to say your partners’ needs are more important than yours, they’re not. It is to say, in any relationship, we influence one another, whether we want to or not, whether we like to or not, it’s inevitable. So, how we interact with and respond to our body is going to impact anyone we’re in a relationship with as well.
So, how does how you interact with and treat your body influence your partner?
Let’s say you think you’re unattractive- you’re the wrong weight, too old, and not as agile as you used to be. Your partner may not share those feelings. They may think you look better now than you ever have, may love you more because you’ve both matured enough to not be so reactive, and be eternally grateful you’ve slowed down a bit because they have too. You could be having the best sex of your life and yet, you’re not, because you’re too embarrassed by your body to let your partner see it, much less have physical contact with it.
Or, let’s say, you live with chronic pain and feeling the physical sensations associated with your body is no longer a good experience. So, you try to disconnect from your body as much as possible. While this may make daily life doable, it likely massively decreases your level of sexual satisfaction. Good sex doesn’t happen when we’re disconnected from our bodies, good sex happens when we can be mindfully aware of our bodies and enjoying the sensations happening within them. Also, our partners like to know they’re doing a good job during sex and that we are enjoying sex with them. If sex doesn’t look or isn’t enjoyable for you, chances are, your partner isn’t enjoying it as much either. Side bar: if your partner ever continues to have sex with you when you clearly are NOT enjoying it, that’s a major problem.
One more example for good measure. Let’s say your partner loves hiking. Early on in your relationship you would hike with them. During your hikes you would talk about anything and everything and, typically, ended up feeling closer to your partner after those hikes than at any other time during the week. Reliably, in the day or two after those hikes, you’d end up having sex with your partner. Not run of the mill, it’s a Wednesday sex, but you’re the one I love, I’m so glad you’re my partner sex. Now, however, you have an old knee injury that keeps acting up and you haven’t done much to address the issue except take a few Tylenol when it gets really bad and avoid using it. So, you hike less. Unless you and your partner have been super intentional and have found alternate activities to facilitate closeness, guess who’s having less you’re the one I love, I’m so glad you’re my partner sex? You. And your partner.
Let’s get real for a few minutes and talk about the various ways how you interact with and treat your body impacts sex. This is not a comprehensive list, just a few starting points to prompt some reflection about the ways in which how your relationship with your body impacts the sex you have.
First and foremost, muscular weakness, tension, pain, and injury can all negatively impact quality and frequency of sex. Most people don’t find involuntary pain arousing and struggle to experience sexual desire when they are in pain. Pain can even be a source of distraction and distress when it occurs during sex. Pain can also result in functional issues during sex, such as an inability to get or loss of an erection and difficult or painful penetration.
Second, our quality of hydration, nutrition, and sleep all impact sex. Specifically, what we eat and drink can significantly impact our level of motivation for sex and how our bodies and bodily fluids taste during sex. Additionally, not only can being over tired influence one’s interest in sex, it can also can impact one’s ability to orgasm or even get and maintain an erection.
Third, feeling poorly about yourself or believing something is wrong with your appearance can negatively impact sex. It may result in you focusing so much on how you appear during sex that you’re completely unable to enjoy the sex you’re having. Sex is an event for the senses! This means being aware of what you’re experiencing- seeing, feeling, tasting, hearing, and smelling- can serve to enhance the experience. However, attention is a limited resource. If your attention is entirely spent on how you look, guess what you’re not paying attention to?
Fourth, sex doesn’t only happen in the bedroom and it’s not only intercourse. The build up to sex can start hours before, as you’re getting ready for date night, or when you’re partner looks at you in a certain way, or as you and your partner have fun and simply enjoy each other’s company. If you’re refusing to engage in certain activities that you and your partner used to enjoy, it’s possible you’re also missing opportunities for sex.
Fifth, chronic health conditions directly influence sexual functioning. For example, uncontrolled blood sugar or unmanaged heart disease all negatively impact sexual performance. Furthermore, changes in sexual functioning can even be a sign of an underlying health condition. So, if you aren’t paying attention to the general wellbeing of your body or aren’t taking your health conditions seriously, your sex life is likely to suffer.
My hope, by this point, is that I have adequately illustrated some of ways your sex life and your body are linked. While I could continue to go on about these links, the point here isn’t to write a complete review of every possible way your body influences the sex you have, but to inspire you to start thinking differently about how your body and the sex you have influence each other. Within that process, the most important question to answer for yourself is:
How does my body and how I relate to my body influence the sex I have?
And, once you know the answer to that question, the next question you get to answer is:
Now that I understand how my body influences the sex I have, what am I going to do about it?
Sexual Socialization: What do you know and how do you know it?
What do you know about sex? Not the physical aspects of sex, but the social. What have you been told or taught about sex? Who gave you that information? How do you know that information is accurate? How does that information impact you?
In our effort to explore the various facets of sex, our next discussion point regards the social component of sex. Sex is more than just a physical act. It is an act that occurs in the context of social relationships, whether the sexual act itself involves another person or not. We learn about sex through social relationships and interactions. We talk about sex with others, we observe others engaged in various forms of sexualized activity, and we develop an internal sense of what is or is not sexually acceptable through our social interactions. The reality is, whether we know it or not, we are exposed to social messaging about sex throughout our lives, be it through media, our friends, parents, partners, churches, leaders, etc. The fact that we learn about sex through a variety of mediums isn't inherently good or bad, it just is. It's inevitable and unavoidable. What determines how that information impacts us is our ability to recognize and analyze the information we receive and then make informed decisions about whether or not we want to integrate that information into our lives. That could sound simple, but it's not. Here's why-
Our learning about sex started long before we were consciously aware we were learning about sex or how that learning might impact us. In other words, we start developing our sexual knowledge before we fully understand or are even aware of what’s happening. That makes it hard to make informed decisions about whether or not to integrate that information into our lives. Here’s a non-sexual example: At some point in your life, someone taught you the sky was blue. At that stage in your life, you likely just accepted that fact. You may not have understood it and you may have called the sky purple a few times, but the adults around you likely corrected you until you started repeating the sky is blue and did so reliably. Now, when your kids are learning their colors, you tell them the sky is blue and you probably don’t even think about it. It’s just a thing you know that you don’t have to think about.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the knowledge you received), our sexual knowledge works similarly. Sometimes we learn something so early on, we take it for granted and aren’t even aware of learning it. Or, we assume the knowledge is correct without ever double checking that fact. (Remember in science class when a teacher told you “the sky isn’t actually blue, it just looks that way” and then you had to share that fact with anyone and everyone you met? Mind blown.) Our sexual knowledge works similarly. Here’s an example: At some point in time, most children discover that touching their genitals feels good (this is a completely normal developmental event). However, in House A if a parent observes this behavior their response might be to tell their child that activity is “icky” and not to do it. They then repeat that until they no longer see their children touching their genitals. In House B, a parent might see their child touching their genitals and tell them “It’s okay to do that, but it needs to be done in private.” The parent then repeats that message until their child starts going into their room when they feel an urge to masturbate. What did the child in House A learn and what did the child in House B learn? How might that impact their adult sexual functioning?
If you were to ask someone, “where did you learn about sex?” they might answer sex ed or in “the birds and the bees” discussions with their parents. They also might say they learned about sex by talking with peers, early dating relationships, and in the media they consumed. The learning people tend not to recognize are the covert, subtle, or nonverbal cues they received about sex throughout their lives or the things they learned so early on they don’t remember learning it. What did we observe but not talk about? What were the nonverbals we were exposed to? What automatic assumptions or beliefs were we raised with that we haven't examined? What did the people around us think was so __________ (fill in the blank- obvious, uncomfortable, unacceptable, etc) that it was never directly stated? How did the adults around you respond when you started dating or became sexually active? How did your peers respond? My goal in this discussion is to start to unpack these various facets of sexual socialization in a way that sparks introspection and to help you start to better understand how you have been socialized into the sexual being you are today.
First, let's start with the places most of us think about first when asked “where did you learn about sex?.” Meaning, explicit discussions about sex and sexuality with parents, educators, religious leaders, or other adults in your life. This also includes sexual education courses taught in school. Frequently, and unfortunately, these experiences are usually marked by a fair amount of awkwardness, embarrassment, shame, and focus on preventing pregnancy and STIs. These discussions rarely focus on sexual pleasure, how to have a fulfilling sexual relationship, or how to learn about one’s sexual self or likes and dislikes. These discussions also tend to operate from a solely heterosexual perspective focusing on penis in vagina intercourse leaving not only LGBTQ+ folks but anyone for whom penis in vagina intercourse is difficult or impossible completely left out. Take a minute and reflect upon what you were explicitly told about sex. Here are some of the most common examples:
Wait until you're married or in a committed relationship to have sex.
Men/Boys want sex more than women.
It’s your job [girls] to say no to sex. Boys will say anything to have sex.
Abstinence is the only safe sex.
Getting pregnant or an STI will ruin your life.
To be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with learning how to prevent pregnancy and STI’s. There’s also nothing wrong with learning about the mechanics of sex. Both are integral parts of learning how to engage in sexual activity and/or a sexual relationship. The issue is those are not the only important parts of learning how to engage in sexual activity and/or a sexual relationship.
Second, let's look at the next area we tend to think of when asked “where did you learn about sex?” This includes early dating experiences, interactions with peers, or the media they consumed. For some people, this is the primary area or way they learned about sex. They never attended a sex ed course and none of the adults in their lives ever explicitly talked to them about sex. This area of learning tends to happen through discussion, experience, or observation of others. It may also be based upon what others have learned about sex, which may or may not be accurate. Think back to what friends told you about sex. How old were your peers when they started having sex? Why did they start having sex? How accurate was the information they provided? Where did they learn about sex? If a friend said no to sex with a partner, what happened?
Now consider what you learned about sex from previous partners. How did you learn what types of acts occur during sex, ie. different positions or types of stimulation? How did you learn how to behave, look, or sound during sex? Also think back to how sex was portrayed in the media you consumed, including pornography. What kinds of sexual acts did you see people doing? How did they look when they were engaged in those acts? What assumptions did you make about how sex would be when you had it? Through all of this, you were learning not only what sex was and how to do it, but also what to expect during sex and from a partner. You may also have been learning about how to manage (or not manage) sexual rejection or desire discrepancies and how to initiate or decline sex, among many other things.
Third, let's explore what we sometimes call implicit or covert learning- the learning that is not explicit or direct and isn't openly talked about. These are the things that we just know or feel without being able to state exactly why we know or feel those things. Think back to the earlier example of House A and House B- the children in those stories may not remember those events but they might have vastly different expectations and experiences regarding masturbation. Additionally, some people feel dirty or weird if they talk about sex with a partner. Did anyone ever explicitly tell you that talking about sex was weird or was it just not done in your house? What about public displays of affection, how do you know what you’re okay with and what you’re not? Was that expressly stated or did you “just know?” How did you observe others behaving? And how did you observe those around you reacting to it? If someone in your family had multiple partners of the course of a year, how did the family react? It’s possible that no one ever said to you “having multiple partners quickly is bad” but by hearing negative comments about someone who did you inferred that it was. Earlier I mentioned noticing how the adults in your life reacted to you when you started dating, did they talk to you directly? Or did they do something else, like refuse to talk about the fact that you had started dating? As much as a refusal to talk about it means no direct verbal communication is happening, it still communicates a lot.
Covert learning can be particularly impactful for members the LGBT+ community. Imagine the impact if you spent your entire life only observing heterosexual couples and then hitting adolescence and experiencing attraction to a friend or classmate of the same sex. What assumptions or things could you start to think about yourself? What about how LGBTQ+ people were talked about? It’s possible no one ever directly said “liking people of the same sex is bad” but if you heard enough homophobic slurs, you may have easily inferred that it was.
The problem with these various types of learning for is they, at best, paint a massively incomplete picture of sex, and, at worst, are factually inaccurate. They also set us up to feel shameful, alienated, and like something is wrong with us if we don’t fit into the very narrow box of “normal sexual functioning” that is typically portrayed in early learning about sex. Furthermore, most people don’t actually learn anything about how to have pleasurable, fulfilling sex or how to navigate sex with partners. Our sexual socialization also sets us up to have expectations for sex that are unattainable, unsustainable, and unrealistic.
So let’s start setting the record straight. I’m going to list a few basic truths about sex and if you find any of these hard to believe, it could indicate that your sexual socialization is getting in the way.
There is no “right” or “best” way to have sex and sexual intercourse is not required to have a satisfying sexual interaction with another person.
Our partners will not automatically know what we like sexually. We have to teach them and in order to do so, we have to know and be able to articulate our sexual needs, preferences, interests, and desires.
Sex needs to be a pleasurable experience for everyone involved. In order to experience sexual pleasure, we need to be able to quiet our minds, focus on our bodies, and maintain connection to another person while simultaneously remaining connected to ourselves.
The best place to talk about sex with a partner is outside of the bedroom while fully clothed and calm. During sex you still need to talk to your partner in order to negotiate sexual activity and make sure it is pleasurable, but discussing long term sexual concerns or issues won’t go well in the moment.
There is no perfect number related to sex whether it’s number of sexual partners, how much sex one has in a week, or how long sex lasts.
Sex involves a variety of sights, sounds, smells, and tastes that are unique to the people involved. There is no way around this and it will never match most of what we’re shown in popular media.
The only thing guaranteed about sex is it will change over time. It doesn’t matter if you have multiple partners, one, or none, sex changes across the life span. Those changes can include changes in sexual interests or preferences, changes in sensations during sex, changes in desire, and changes in patterns of arousal or orgasm.
Now, there are certainly more basic truths about sex than what I’ve listed above but I’m hoping this list gives you somewhere to start. If you’re hoping to examine your sexual socialization further, here is an exercise to get you started:
Find a piece of paper and a pen and set aside enough time to really think about your answers. Write whatever comes to your mind. There is no dumb thought or wrong answer. This is only for you, no one ever needs to see it.
Make a list of everything you know, believe, or think about sex.
Now, look at the list you’ve made and write down, for each item, where, how, and when you learned that information. If you don’t know, write that down.
Go back over the list you’ve made. Write down how that information impacts you- does it help you or hurt you? Has it caused conflict or unhappiness in your life? If anything on your list hurts you, highlight it.
Consider if any of the items you’ve listed could be inaccurate or not true. If there is something on your list that is inaccurate or not true, draw a line through it. If you aren’t sure if something is accurate or true put a question mark next to it. Consider where you learned the information. Would you trust that source to give you information today or on other topics? If the answer is no, carefully consider whether that information is accurate or not.
Look at what’s left on your list and consider if there is anything you would like to add to your list. Is there anything you don’t believe or know yet, that you would like to? Write those down and put a star next to those.
Now you have a place to start. The things you’ve highlighted, put a question mark by, crossed out, and starred are the beginning of your work to improve your sexual wellbeing. Recognizing and correcting harmful and inaccurate information and beliefs while obtaining new, more helpful knowledge and beliefs will go a long way in improving how you experience sex. Remember, if this feels overwhelming or you need additional support, a qualified therapist can help.
Possible Resources for Further Exploration
Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex and How to Get It
Marty Klein, PhD
His Porn, Her Pain: Confronting America’s PornPanic With Honest Talk About Sex
Marty Klein, PhD
Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
Emily Nagoski, PhD
Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections
Emily Nagoski, PhD
How to Understand Your Sexuality: A Practical Guide to Exploring Who You Are
Meg-John Barker & Alex Iantaffi
How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide to Exploring Who You Are
Alex Iantaffi & Meg-John Barker
https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/#
Couples & Sex: Sexual Desire Discrepancies
Now that we’ve talked about sexual expectations, sexual socialization, and the physical aspects of sex, let’s start our discussion about sex in the context of relationships. If things have seemed complicated so far, take all of that and multiply it by at least two. Sex in the context of relationships gets even more complex because not only are there the sexual history, beliefs, preferences, and expectations of each individual involved in the relationship but then we add how the interactions between individuals can form their own compounding issues.
For example, let’s say you want to have sex and your partner doesn’t. How is sex initiated and rejected within your relationship? How does one partner feel when they have to say no to sex and how does the other feel when they are rejected? What do you each do with those reactions? Does anyone ever agree to sex because they don’t want the other person to feel bad? Is rejection handled graciously or is there resentment or withdrawal? How is the relationship impacted long term if one person is continuously agreeing to sex they don’t want to have? Or, what happens if one person consistently feels unwanted or unattractive to the other?
This example highlights one of the most common issues couples face when it comes to sex: discrepancies in sexual desire. This can be an incredibly painful experience for couples as partners personalize either the rejection of sex or the sense of pressure to have sex and end up feeling used, rejected, dismissed, bullied, unwanted, and misunderstood. Couples can also feel trapped or stuck in a dynamic neither person wants. If we are going to address this issue, first we need to understand it.
Sexual desire, most simply, refers to someone wanting to or being interested in engaging in sexual activity. For most couples, when they talk about sexual desire they are referencing sexual intercourse but sexual desire can be for any sexual activity. Sexual desire is as variable as anything else involving humanity. Some people experience a lot of sexual desire, some people experience little to no sexual desire, and other people find sexual desire is highly context dependent. Additionally, some people experience spontaneous sexual desire (desire that occurs with no specific or root cause), some people experience responsive sexual desire (desire that occurs in response to a specific stimulus or event), and still other people experience a mix of the two. None of these are right or wrong or good or bad. They’re just different and because they’re different we have to navigate them relationally. This is particularly true if there is a gap between how desire works for us compared to how it works for our partner. Inevitably, because people vary, we are unlikely to partner up with someone whose desire is identical to or perfectly complementary to ours. However, the farther apart our desire is, the more likely we are to experience conflict regarding the discrepancy.
What impacts sexual desire? Any number of issues. Sexual desire can increase or decrease depending on stress level, age, health issues, relational issues, trauma history, mental health concerns, and any number of other issues. Additionally, for one person stress might increase desire and for another stress might decrease desire. There’s really no one size fits all when it comes to sexual desire. Sexual desire can also change day to day, hour to hour, or even minute to minute. Someone could be experiencing sexual desire one moment, receive a phone call from their mother, and by the time that phone call is over, there’s no more sexual desire. Unfortunately, sexual desire isn’t always predictable or stable.
So how do we manage discrepancies in sexual desire? First and foremost, keep in mind that in any relationship there’s going to be someone who wants more sex and someone who wants less sex. This is the inevitable reality of many issues, be it who wants the house tidier, who wants to go out to eat more, who wants to spend more time with family, and so on. Therefore, the goal in managing desire discrepancies isn’t to convince one or the other person to have more or less sex but in finding ways to talk about and navigate the discrepancy while maintaining closeness and connection between people. This could include exploring how sexual desire works for each person, why sex is or is not important to each person, and if there are any other types of intimacy (physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, etc.) that either person is interested in. It could also be useful to explore how enjoyable each person finds sex, if there are other types of sexual activities either person is interesting in adding, or if there are other sensual activities either person is interested in. Sensual activities include massages, cuddling, and baths, among other things, that do not have to lead to sex. Finally, if there are any underlying relational, personal, or life dynamics that are contributing to the discrepancy it could be helpful to address those.
It is also important to be able to talk about sex with our partners in a safe and respectful way. Escalated, blaming, shaming, or disrespectful communication isn’t going to lead to any increases in understanding or connection. Most people don’t want to have sex if they feel disrespected, dismissed, or unheard by their partner so not only does that kind of communication not help, it can serve to further decrease sexual desire. Not addressing the issue doesn’t help us manage it either. By not addressing it, we’re left to create our own stories or narratives about what the other person is thinking or feeling, and those stories usually only serve to make us feel worse. This in turn creates more distance, loneliness, and disconnection than we had to begin with.
How we can talk about sex productively with a partner? Here are some tips:
Talk about sex outside of the bedroom with both of your clothes on. Limit distractions and do your best to remain calm and respectful. During sex is one of the worst times to talk about ongoing issues.
Focus on understanding your partner, not changing them. You don’t have to agree with them but it is useful to remember they are allowed to be different from you and that does not make them inherently wrong or bad.
Try to simply accept what your partner says is true for them. Most of us don’t like to be told about ourselves, particularly if what we are told contradicts how we think of ourselves. Also, this can feel invalidating or dismissive to many people.
Get curious about their experiences, beliefs, preferences, and values. Try to learn something about your partner that you don’t already know.
Reassure your partner that you want this to be a good conversation for them and you love them. Sex can be incredibly vulnerable to talk about. We tend to be better at having sex than talking about it. So, take the time to help your partner feel safe within the conversation.
Speak for and about yourself, not about your beliefs about the other person. Keep in mind, many people put “I feel…” in front of statements about the other person and call it an I feel statement. Saying “I feel you don’t care about me” isn’t an I feel statement. An I feel statement is “I feel insecure when we don’t have sex.”
Pause the conversation and come back to it if either one of you becomes overwhelmed or dysregulated. Remember, creating more hurt isn’t going to help anything.
Talk about the issue in chunks, if necessary. This issue isn’t going to be resolved or managed in a day and may require multiple or ongoing conversations.
If all else fails, seek out the help of a qualified professional. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) has a Find a Professional search that may be of use: https://www.aasect.org/.